Warning: Geocities will shut down on October 26, 2009. I have more important things to do than moving this site to a functioning server, such as removing my pants and putting them on again (which I have to do every day, sometimes even twice). So it will be your problem to find out about no pants swing dances after that date, by some other means.

We, the Self-Appointed No Pants Swing Misguidance Committee of 1, decided that all the other dances in this region don't meet my needs, so I'm creating my own where I set all the rules, and choose who I invite to my secret dances, and generally stay out of touch with the needs of the community.

Previous dance:
Saturthursday January 40, 2018
5:42 AM - 6:02 PM

Next dance:
I'll let you know the night before, but only in a buggy 800 MB PDF.
(We keep the schedule a secret, because if we let people know in advance which bands were playing, they'd show up for the bands they liked, i.e. none of them.)

Unsynchronized band: Fart Percussion with Michael Plarpstrogroph


Incompetent workshop leader: Michael Plorpstragruphl

Location:
Mrs. Bogleburro's Taxidermy, Taxi, and Plumbing Supplies
10100010 Buttrose Porkway, 232nd floor broom closet
Butzburo, FU
All-naughahyde dance floor!  Air conditioned for the month of November!  Convenient location in a swamp!  Public roads and municipal sewer system within a 45-minute walk!

Admission:
It would be too convenient to list the price here.
50% discount if you show up during the last 3 minutes of the event!
Residents of Anaheim, Culver City, or El Segundo, CA: $1 surcharge
Residents of Purcellville, VA: first-time welcome surcharge $3 per person, $8 per family or couple
Residents of Atlantic Beach, NY: No admission for any price, and no parking for you (you'll need to take non-existent public transportation instead)
If we told you about the other surprise fees and surcharges in advance, you'd know how much you'd be spending before you decided to make the ridiculous trek to our dance, and then what would we do?
We'll also be sure to nag you repeatedly throughout the evening to give more than the admission price.

New bonus feature: Our non-air-conditioned hall now features windows that are permanently nailed shut for your sticky sweaty dancing displeasure! It's your job to bring a change of clothes (not including pants) and your own cooling equipment if you don't like dancing in 90-degree rooms with 97% humidity and no ventilation.

Monotonically Increasing Rules, courtesy of our all-German rules committee:
1. No pants
2. If I decide you're cool enough to be invited to a secret dance, you MUST rsvp when I send you an email. I will publicly announce the names of everyone who doesn't rsvp.
3. Pants police will examine your lack of pants at the door
4. Experienced dancers must dance with newcomers. If we see an experienced dancer who hasn't found a partner quickly enough, watch out.
5. When I start to make a self-important announcement, all conversations must stop. Immediately. There must be total silence. You have 24 hours each day to talk to one another, so now's the time to shut up.
6. If you try to leave before the end of the dance, we will chase you out the door and beg you to stay.
7. Itinerant squatters are not allowed to live in our storage room.
8. Creepy old men are not allowed to slide down the 231-story bannister.
9. Eat your bread before you come, bring your dinner in your hand, and leave before suppertime.
10. You might think I don't know what I'm doing, but you're wrong.
11. We will remove any flyers for other dances that we consider a threat to our struggling dance. We will also take every opportunity abuse the flyer table and email list to promote our personal outside events and political agenda.
12. Without warning, at irregular yet frequent intervals, everyone who's not a member of our self-important board will be kicked out of the room, so we can open our stash of pants without revealing its secret location. While being kicked out, they will falsely be accused of stealing their own pants.
13. This is the "get the f--- out of here" light.
14. "Dance cancelled due to horrible smell" is the name of the band. The dance is not cancelled.
15. If you have trouble finding this page, it's your fault for not updating your software. I am not interested in responding to your issues.
16. If your facebook profile doesn't have enough friends, or has a silly picture, we will ban you from our facebook events.
17. When a weirdo's dance begins, anyone who is not weird who attempts to join will be asked to go where we can't see them, where they're free to do the dance by themselves.
18. Suggestions for corrections to obvious mistakes on this page are most unwelcome.
19. Those who don't rush to the dance floor fast enough will be personally asked to move to the unpleasant part of the room.
20. If you ask for directions to somewhere else, we'll refuse to tell you even if we know. That way, you'll have no choice but to stay.
21. If you sign in using the supplied red pen, you will be fined, even though it isn't against the rules.
22. We track your web usage, and the more often you use our website, the greater the frequency of being diverted to a page nagging for money.
23. To prevent timely communication, members of the organizing committee are not allowed to email each other directly.
24. Live music and dancing are prohibited while the sound crew wastes half the event noisily setting up a sound system the band doesn't need and didn't ask for.
25. Take your time finding a partner. Note: This rule does not apply to board members, so they can grab the best partners first.
26. Policy changes are not announced. If you haven't heard about one, you will be deemed an outsider.
27. If you question one of our policies, you'd best dance elsewhere.
28. I'm in charge, not you.
29. Our offsite washerwoman has decreed that there must be six locked doors between the (path to the) street and where you want to be. She has the authority to make this rule because the dance hall contains pants.
30. No jamming in the empty hallways. What do you think this is, a folk festival?

Featuring:
- Creepy guys
- Clingy women
- Smelly people
- People who clench your hand and get angry and insult you when you ask them to stop
- People who rub against you when they swing
- People who spill their drinks onto the plate of cookies, at every dance, without fail
- People who sneak up behind people they don't know and attempt to stroke their hair
- Perpetual beginners
- Senile men with a total lack of dance skills, who head straight for the young women.  (Don't ask us to talk to them and suggest they dance with people of all ages -- if we told them they couldn't harass the young women, they wouldn't come to the dance!)
- Dance organizers who can't wait for the opportunity to tell you, your partner, and the workshop leader that you're doing it wrong
- A plethora of signs telling you what to do, since we've deemed all our dancers to be socially inept
- Pieces of furniture blocking important passageways in the building, maybe to keep people from sneaking in -- who knows?
- Way too many doormen, who not only don't open the door for you when you're carrying a lot of stuff, but also are quick to criticize you for using the most convenient staircases.
- High admission prices, and no pay for performers. (We need the money to pay all the doormen.)
- Unsynchronized, hard-of-hearing musicians, who mess things up for the other musicians. (Don't ask the band leader to talk to them about it. They'd be highly offended, and you're not such a good musician yourself.)

Special Capital Campaign:
If all our regular dancers give just $500, we'd have the $1000 we'd need to keep the dance going!

We never really stop asking for money, but we call it a Special Capital Campaign to create a sense of urgency.